Dear Diary,
It would be fair to say I haven’t really coped all that well in lockdown. Like a lot of people, I have faced challenges of not feeling motivated or “inspired” and just feeling an overall sense of disinterest towards the things I love. I am so lucky to have spent the entire lockdown period with my boyfriend, my mum and I definitely did not take that for granted, especially considering so many couples were forced to see it apart… but just because I had the “luxury” of spending lockdown with my loved ones, it hasn’t stopped me still feeling, well, sh*t!
I reflect back on the “normal me” at the start of lockdown and can no longer relate to that person or imagine feeling such a way again. At the start of lockdown I woke up happy, full of life, energy. I was still smashing my workouts even at home. I was buzzing to go out walks and was so alert, I even would go as far to say I was fully enjoying it! However, now that has been replaced with a girl who is yawning the second she wakes up. A girl who feels unmotivated to exercise, to work on her blog, to even reply to her friends. A girl who, the thought of even going a walk makes her feel anxious and almost scared. A girl whose energy has been replaced with anxiety and feels “unsafe” anywhere than the place she spent 3 months confined to.
When I was younger, I suffered heavily with social anxiety and I feel a sense of that has come back. Will it be easily fixed? I’m sure it will be when there is more normality and I’m forced to travel again to other places. Before lockdown I would be in Edinburgh once a week, of course travelling myself to and from, and I can no longer imagine myself doing that, I’d go as far as to say the thought of doing it freaks me out wondering how I felt confident ever doing so. Now to be clear, it isn’t the risk of corona that concerns me travelling and going out- no sir. It’s the thought of being anywhere other than what I’ve considered to be my safety net for the past 3 months! I no longer can imagine myself out shopping, date nights, travelling, on nights out, feeling excited about events and that’s so sad. They say every month your body “adapts” to how your life is and my body definitely has- too much!
I feel pressure to feel normal, excited. I see others going back to work or meeting their friends with ease yet I don’t remember “how” to socialise anymore! But I am trying to be kind to myself and remind myself that everyone has/will have had very different experiences during lockdown and that is totally okay- be kind to yourself. I am reminding myself that I am still strong and that, my body just hasn’t quite adapted as well to the “new normal” as others may have and for others, they may just be putting on a “social media face” pretending all is okay which to some extent, so am I on my blog socials and pre-planned posts.
Despite all this, I still feel strongly that I will come out of lockdown stronger and with a newfound love or appreciation for things, people. I appreciate having accessibility to my family whenever I want more now. I feel closer to family, too. My relationship has blossomed despite the strange circumstances of lockdown and we have got on amazingly during this strange time and for some, that is far from the case. I appreciate having the freedom to go to the gym, the shops, on a bus or a train. I appreciate local scenery more as opposed to craving a holiday abroad. I appreciate just being able to hug someone, help them in a shop, be close to people in public and not feel a sense of anxiety about what they may be carrying other than their basket and shopping bags!
I can’t wait to feel at ease again. To get back into a routine, to see people more often and not feel like my mind is on high alert all the time! I can’t wait for towns to be busier again, with shops and car parks thriving.
I had so much planned for my blog and was so excited when I first made this website, I was full of that creative spark I have always had around blogging. Now I wake up and feel some days, “forced” into blogging. I have had panicky moments wondering if I want to be doing this purely because my spark, my motivation has fckd off! However, when I look at the rest of my life I realise it isn’t just blogging- it’s everything tbh.
I’m going to take these next few weeks (which btw, I’ m travelling to Edinburgh again for the first time since March - AHHH!) take them at my own pace, enjoy them and trust that this will maybe be just what I need to feel inspired again! Because let’s face it- 4 walls, unlimited food in Costa Del My Gaff and the longest walk you go on most days is from your bed to the couch is hardly inspiring is it? I can’t wait to deliver my blogs full potential! But I also am going to be kind to myself and not feel like a failure if I don’t meet self-made deadlines or goals ATM.
We all need to be kinder to each other as well as ourselves. Support each other and support small businesses too because we are all struggling to some extent! Whether that be with lack of business, lack of money coming in or lack of content- support your local/smaller businesses because we are fighting a daily struggle of uncertainty and mental blocks to try provide you with a good news-feed! Support your friends not working ATM as well because their anxieties aren’t just with the new normal- it’s financially too.
Stay Safe. Stay Strong. Stay Kind & as ever, Stay Sassy. We will all laugh about this next year whilst out in jam packed pubs, with loads of drink, our mates and the only thing we will be worried about is our lack of dignity!
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